Not A Corn-Fed Hippy

, , , , | Right | August 22, 2017

(A guy dressed as a hippy, with a slightly pungent unwashed odour (with warm cannabis notes) greets me. I notice he’s got a swastika tattooed between his eyebrows. I am Jewish so tempted to find another colleague to help him as it makes me feel uncomfortable; however, I decide that I would not want to inflict his odour on anybody else.)

Hippy: “Hey, man, what are these?”

Me: “Those are Sun Bites.”

Hippy: “Are they crisps?”

Me: “Kinda, they’re corn snacks rather than potato chips.”

Hippy: “So… like Pringles?”

Me: “More similar to Skips or Wotsits. Pringles are potato snacks.”

Hippy: “So…. corn isn’t potato?”

Me: “Nope.”

Hippy: “Ah, MAN! So how does it grow?”

(Wanting to get rid of this crazy swastika hippy.)

Me: “Well, potatoes grown in the ground; corn is grown above ground. You have Pringle roots for Pringles. These come from Sun Bites berries, Skips come from a Skips tree, and Wotsits come from a Wotsits bush — which you have to hunt rather than farm.”

Hippy: *grabs a six pack of Sun Bites and wanders off towards the till, exclaiming as he goes* “Ah, MAN. Oh, wow. Oh ,DUDE. FAR OUT. F****** FAR OUT. Oh, my days. OH, MAN!”

(I vaguely wonder if he is an alien who had been transported here to 2015 equipped with ’70s sayings.)

These Customers Are Better Than Those Ones

, , , , , | Right | August 22, 2017

Customer: “Excuse me, are you [Store] people?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can we help you?”

Customer: “Do you ever have store meetings with all the workers?”

Me: *thinking she’s going to ask us to promote something* “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer: “Oh, good. The girl in the shoe department was showing someone some boots and she said ‘these ones’ and ‘those ones.’ Someone needs to tell her it’s ‘these’ and ‘those,’ not ‘these ones’ and ‘those ones.’” *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “I’ll… um… all right.”

(I have worked retail for years and am a grammar perfectionist myself. I have never considered telling another adult in the workplace to correct her grammar. My favorite part was that she didn’t want me to walk right over and talk to her; she wanted me to bring this up at a store meeting in front of everyone!)

Has No Reservations About Bribing

, , | Right | August 22, 2017

(I am a hostess at a family-oriented chain restaurant. This particular evening is the busiest I have ever seen, with every single table occupied and a huge crowd of people waiting to be seated. Most people who approach the restaurant see the giant crowds and just walk away, but a man comes in with his wife and two kids around eight pm, and he literally has to push through the crowd to get to me.)

Customer: “Table for four, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, as you can see we are slammed tonight and the wait for a table is currently about TWO hours. I can put your name on the wait list if you want, but it is unlikely we’ll be able to get you seated before 10 pm.”

Customer: “What?! No, wait, I have a reservation. It’s under the last name… umm… Smith.”

Me: “Sir, we do not accept reservations at this restaurant.”

Customer: “Oh, well… umm… uhhh… that’s not what the other girl said! I made a reservation here for eight pm with the girl who was in earlier. She took my name!”

Me: “Sir, the MAN who usually works the early shift called in sick today. I took his shift and I assure you I did not promise you a reservation and neither did anyone else here.”

(I point to sign on desk that clearly says walk-ins only; no reservations accepted. It’s obvious he is just making stuff up completely trying to cut the line, but I decide not to directly call him out on it and play along.)

Me: “Is it possible you made your reservation at another restaurant?”

Customer: “No. Look, here, just take this and get us seated right now.”

(He tries to hand me a $20 bill but I put my hand behind my back.)

Me: “Even if I wanted to take that, sir, look around. Literally every single table in this place is currently occupied. I have no where to put you.”


(Now everyone is looking in our direction. He takes a step back and smirks at me, then starts turning to other customer and telling them I tried to “blackmail” him into giving me $100 to cut the line. My manager hears the commotion and comes to see what is happening.)

Customer: *to Manager* “She told me if I wanted to be seated tonight I need to pay her $100. This is an outrage! I demand you fire her and I want a free meal right now!”

(I have been working at this restaurant for over two years and the manager knows me well. He turns to me and asks if it’s true.)

Me: “Absolutely not. He tried to give me a $20 and started screaming when I wouldn’t take it. I mean, we could just check the security camera.” *I point to the camera the owner had installed about six months ago when someone tried to rob the place at gunpoint. I know it has advanced picture and sound, and there is a microphone installed at the hostess podium that catches everything said near there.* “I’m sure it caught the entire conversation.”

(The customer looked panicked and ran out of the store, taking his confused family with him. My boss and I went back and watched the camera footage after the restaurant closed that night, just for fun.)

A Sign That They’re A Fool

, , , , | Right | August 22, 2017

(I get a lot of rude customers, and sometimes I just can’t help teaching them little lessons on manners and patience, mainly through over-the-top sarcastic politeness.)

Customer: *on phone* “I came to your shop a little while ago and you were closed. It says on the door you are open until five pm. Why are you closed? It’s very inconvenient and misleading.”

Me: *knowing that I had been at the bank about 15 minutes ago* “How long ago were you here?”

Customer: “About 15 to 20 minutes ago. I had to drive all the way from [Suburb about 20 minutes away] and you were closed. It’s very inconvenient.”

Me: *knowing that I had left a clear sign on the door saying “Gone to bank. back in 15 minutes”* “Was there a sign on the door or anything like that?”

Customer: “There was a sign saying you are open until five pm.”

Me: *knowing that if they saw that sign they HAD to have seen my bank sign* “Was there any other sign there, maybe where the open sign usually is?”

Customer: “Umm, well, there may have been one saying ‘Gone to bank’ or something…”

Me: *yes, you now realise you’re a fool and I’m going to make you admit it* “And did it say when the store would re-open?”

Customer: *amid sighs and grunts* “It said you would be back in 15 minutes.”

Me: *being super perky* “Okay, well that was 15 to 20 minutes ago and I’m back now, so the store has re-opened. We’re open until five pm so please come back any time before then. Have a good day. Good-bye.”

A Sudden Aptitude For Latitude

, , , , | Right | August 22, 2017

(Some backstory: Here were provide customer service for store credit cards. We have a website that allows customers to access their account and to make payments. For a payment to post the same day it has to be scheduled before 6:00 pm Eastern time. It is it currently 6:30 pm Eastern time. This customer is from California.)

Customer: “So, I was making my payment online and it gave me a weird message I don’t understand.”

Me: “Well, we do have a cut-off time for a same day payment online of 6:00 pm Eastern time. It is currently 6:30 pm Eastern time.”

Customer: “That’s what I don’t understand.”

Me: “The cut-off time? That’s the latest you can make a payment and have it post that same day.”

Customer: “No, I get that; it’s the other part, the Eastern time. What does that mean?”

Me: “Eastern time? Our cut-off time is based on the time in the Eastern time zone.”

Customer: “Yeah, what’s that? It’s 3:30 right now.”

Me: “Time zones? Uh, well, you see the Earth is round so different parts of the world are at a different time. It is 3:30 on the West Coast but on the East Coast it is currently 6:30.”

Customer: “Wow, so you’re saying it’s night time where you are?”

Me: “Yes.”

(I could hear the woman’s mind being blown over the phone.)

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