This Conductor Orchestrated A Symphony Of Disaster

, , , | Right | August 20, 2018

(A teenage girl walks in with her mother to our kitchen store.)

Mother: “Excuse me, but we were wondering if we could do a return. My daughter bought a small set of your copper-plated pans, and… well… this happened.”

(From a shopping bag she pulls out a pan that’s charred black on most of the outside, with clumps of what looks like ashen meat stuck to the inside.)

Me: “Dear me! Uh, may I ask what happened here?”

(The mother turns to her daughter for the explanation.)

Daughter: “What? I was trying to cook with it! Not my fault this place sells s***ty crap!”

Me: “Hmm… By any chance, were you following a recipe?”

Daughter: “Uh, yeah?”

Me: “Did it mention a set time you needed to cook the food for.”

Daughter: “Yeah? So?”

Me: “I think I know what went wrong, then. Our copperware sets cook faster than normal pans, so you need to actually reduce the cooking time in recipes to compensate. Also, we recommend removing the pan from the heat, since it’ll stay hot for a while even without being on the heat.”

Daughter: “Yeah, the guy who sold this to me said the same.”

Mother: “And you didn’t think to do as they said?”

Daughter: “Why? I mean, it’s a pan! How was I supposed to know this would happen?”

Me: “Well, copper is a much more efficient conductor and retainer of heat. We advise folk to take a few more precautions with it because of that.”

Daughter: “What? How does that work?”

(I begin to explain, but the mother cuts me off.)

Mother: “Dear… remind me again, who’s going to a very prestigious and expensive university, on her parents’ dime?”

Daughter: “Uh…”

Mother: “And what was it they wanted to study there? Was it, perhaps, something involving physics, or a related science?”

Daughter: “But…”

Mother: “Surely you wouldn’t need to ask how something as simple as heat conduction works… assuming you’re doing as we asked and not skipping lectures or ignoring your coursework… Right?”

(The daughter gets a deer-in-the-headlights look.)

Mother: *to me* “We apologize for taking up your time. Could we exchange this for one of your cheaper cooking sets? Maybe that one over there?”

(She points to a very basic set of non-stick cookware.)

Daughter: “But Mom, I need pretty looking pots and pans! That’s why I got the copper!”

God Is A Meany

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2018

(My mom and I are taking a trip together and have a layover at a large airport in Texas. We learn upon landing that there have been some severe storms in the area and all flights are delayed. We don’t mind, since we are early, anyway, and we tend to be pretty laid back about that kind of thing, especially when it’s something beyond the airport’s control. We are waiting in the seats by the service desk just in case our flight time changes again. A 25-ish year old woman in a suit two-times too small for her comes running up, pulling her suitcase so fast that it’s bounced off the wheels and is dragging on its side. My mom and I watch the whole thing go down.)

Woman: “I was just told my flight is delayed! Why is my flight delayed?!”

Agent: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there are severe thunderstorms moving through the area, and for the safety of our passengers we have delayed all flight times out of [Airport].”

Woman: “But… but…” *immediately drops her suitcase and starts BAWLING at the customer service counter* “But I need to catch this flight!”

Agent: *temporarily shocked* “I do apologize, ma’am, but it’s really out of our control at the moment. We’ll be happy to reimburse your ticket.”

Woman: “No! NO! I can’t miss this flight! Why are you doing this? Why are you being so mean?

Agent: “I’m sorry, what?”

Woman: “You’re being mean!”

(She is crying so hard now, my mom is afraid she is going to pass out, and tells me to be ready to call for medical help.)


Agent: “Ma’am, I promise that we are not being mean to you; we are concerned for your safety.”

Woman: “WHY?! Why did you change my flight?!”

Agent: *starting to look worried too* “Because of the storms, ma’am.”

Woman: “That’s so mean! Why are there storms right now?!

Agent: “Um… act of God?”

(The agent handled herself really well, considering. This went on for nearly 15 minutes before a manager and a security guard came to escort the woman to a place where she could calm down. The storms passed through pretty quickly, and most of the flights were back up and running within an hour. My mom and I were even bumped up to first class since we were willing to wait longer than some of the other passengers!)

Have you lost all faith in humanity? Well, misery loves company. Join us at our Antisocial collection in the NAR Store!

Snug As A Bug In A TV

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2018

(I have been in retail for over six years. A sweet elderly lady comes into the TV department.)

Customer: “I have a bug in my TV.”

Me: “Can I ask what issues you have been having?”

Customer: “There is a bug inside my TV. I have pictures.”

(I was thinking it was a panel issue or something she could capture on camera. Then, she pulled out the photos, and sure enough, there was a real-life insect inside her TV, crawling around so that it was being projected onto the screen. I didn’t know what to tell her, and to be honest, I did laugh a bit. I took her over to the repair desk to ask for any suggestions and after they laughed at this odd situation, all they really had to say was to either let it die, take off the back cover, or try compressed air. This just goes to show that you will always be surprised, and sometimes the customer actually is right.)

What The Fork(lift)!

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2018

(I am a forklift operator. It’s a rather busy day for the garden department, and my spotter and I just finished loading a pallet of pave stones into another person’s truck. As is common, we get stuck near the registers trying to get back into the store. My spotter is about five feet in front of me with bright orange flags when a customer approaches.)

Customer: *to my spotter* “Oh! I thought you were here to direct foot traffic.”

(The forklift is clearly beeping in the background, in spite of being in neutral.)

Customer: *steps to one side* “Oh! I didn’t even see you there.”

Me: *blank face*

(How the f*** do you miss a thirty-thousand pound forklift? It’s clearly over six feet tall, yellow, and beeping, AND there is the rumble of an engine.)

Your Card Is Bad And So Are You

, , , , , , , | Right | August 20, 2018

(I am working as a cashier at a popular superstore.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, your card declined. Do you have another form of payment?”

Customer: “What the h*** did you do? Try it again and this time, don’t touch it!”

Me: “Of course. Slide your card again, please.”

Customer: *slides card*

Me: *presses button to process card*

Customer: “I said don’t touch it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have to press the button, or the transaction will not process. I’m sorry, the card is still declined. Do you have another card you want to try?”

Customer: “My card is good! You are doing this on purpose! Run it again, and this time don’t you dare press that f****** button, you dumb b****!”

Me: “Please, there’s no need for that; there are children here. We can try again if you’d like, but I will need to press the button, and I don’t think the outcome will change.”

Customer: *slides card while grumbling under her breath*

Me: *presses button to process card*

Customer: *screaming now* “I told you not to press that d*** button. Are you deaf or just stupid?! Get me a manager now! I will have your job!”

(My manager is nearby and has heard most of the exchange.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Customer: “This b**** keeps pressing her little button and making my card decline! I want her fired immediately!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I hate to inform you of this, but there is no button she can press to make your order decline. There must be a problem with the card or with your bank; you will need to use another card, or I can set your items aside if you want to come back at another time. ”

Customer: “F*** all of you! You’re a bunch of liars! My card is good! MY CARD IS GOOD!”

(The customer continues screaming, cursing, and destroying displays until security removes her from the store.)

Manager: *to me*  “Go ahead and take your break a little early tonight.”

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