Assault By Battery

, , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I am in the middle of helping a customer find a picture light to hang above her painting.)

Me: “Were you looking to power it by batteries, plug it in, or hardwire it?”

Customer: “Definitely not batteries. I can’t have batteries. I’m allergic.”

Me: “You’re… allergic? To batteries?”

Customer: “Yes, one of them split open on me once, and I got a horrible rash from the stuff inside!”

Make Ireland Great Again

, , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I am working checkout when a grumpy-looking customer approaches. She eyes my Celtic knot necklace.)

Customer: *suspiciously* “What does your necklace mean?”

Me: “Um, I don’t think it means anything.”

Customer: “So, you don’t know what it means.”

Me: “I mean, it’s a Celtic knot.”

Customer: “Celtic? Is that like the KKK?”

Me: “What? No! No! Celtic! As in, Irish?”

Customer: “Oh.” *still looks like she doesn’t believe me*

Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 11

, , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(The owner of our boutique is a therapist, with her legal name and info on our website. In training, and in our manual, she outlines the procedure where patients who want product must go through her office for confidentiality and ethical tracking requirements, and a form she only fills out for friends. Everyone in her personal life, including us, calls her a completely different name, so we can quickly identify who knows her or may be a stalker by proxy. The public does not know this name.)

Me: *at cash* “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “Yes. Well, no. I expected to see [Owner’s Legal Name], but I guess she’s not in.”

Me: “She’s providing therapy this afternoon.”

Customer: “That’s too bad. It’s been too long.”

Me: “That’ll be [price].”

Customer: “What?! I’m a friend. Don’t I get a discount?”

Me: “You’re not her friend.”

Customer: “Of course I am! What makes you say that?”

Me: “Aside from my never having seen you at her annual birthday party, you don’t even have her name right.”

Customer: “Oh, gosh. I always forget.” *mispronounces owner’s legal name with “foreign” pronunciation* “She never holds me to that, you know.”

Me: “Riiiight. There’s also this little tidbit.” *pulling out manual and quoting* “’My friends and family will always have the proper paperwork for discounts, not only for legal reasons but because—’” *emphasis* “’—my loved ones have too much professionalism and class to put underlings on the spot. When they want discounts, they will ask me.’”

Customer: *flabbergasted* “Well, I never! I was just saying friend because I was too embarrassed to say client! Yet you shame me.”

Me: “I was just quoting my rule book, ma’am. As for clients, all of them know they aren’t supposed to come to the store, and that they receive catalogues so they can order through her, confidentially. If you were a client, you wouldn’t have even needed to leave your house, and your order would be at your next appointment.”

(The customer is telling me off as the owner comes in. The customer is claiming I’m rude when the owner looks over and sees the manual open to the discount page.)

Owner: *in her compassionate yet stern therapist voice* “Did you lie to my employee and tell her we knew each other?”

(The customer looks scared. I am not sure, but she may have barely nodded.)

Owner: *tone still serious* “Why did you lie?”

(The customer seems to only gag and stutter. The owner holds up her hand in stop signal.)

Owner: “It doesn’t matter if you are a pathological liar, or of such weak moral character as to put her job in jeopardy to save—” *picks up her order to look* “—a measly $2. Either way, we do not reward bad behaviour in my establishment. Please leave.”

(The owner puts her things behind the counter and lets out a big sigh. She then pulls out her wallet and hands me a $10.)

Owner: “Why don’t you walk it off and, when you come back, bring us both some drinks?” *takes back $10 and gives me $20* “On second thought, go buy yourself some cake. I can see you stood your ground, and I’m proud.”

(I love my boss!)

Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 10
Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 9
Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 8

A Costly Interruption

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2018

Customer: “I cancelled this subscription and you sent me a new package.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am. I’ll cancel all future shipments for you. I can refund—”

(I am about to offer to refund part of her charge for the trouble, letting her keep the product.)

Customer:No. I don’t want to deal with that. I’m not shipping anything back to you; this is such a hassle already.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, then you’re all set. Have a great day.”

(I wonder if her mother ever taught her not to interrupt people.)

Charity Never Starts At Home For Some People

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2018

(My store is hosting a Safety Week, and throughout the store parents can pick up free flyers, stickers, magnets, and mini coloring books with child safety tips on them. Overall, it’s to raise awareness for a fundraiser we’re doing for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, where we ask for a $1 donation at the registers. A mother and her young daughter come up to my register, and I see the daughter has collected all of our free items and looks very excited.)

Me: “I like your stickers! Did you get some magnets, too?”

(I point to the pile of magnets we have at the register, and the daughter proudly holds up her own magnets. At that moment, her mother grabs another sheet of magnets and puts them in her purse.)

Customer: “For my son at home.”

Me: “Great! I’m glad you guys like those; they’re for a great cause. All right, your total is [total]. Would you like to donate a dollar to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children?

Customer: “Nope, I’m fine.”

(I looked incredulously at the excessive amount of free safety trinkets they’d collected, before continuing with the transaction as politely as I could. It was pretty baffling, though!)

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